I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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