When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize