Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize