when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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