DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
