i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
did i walk over a car last night?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
