I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
