if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
