I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
