i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
