Your favorite bartender is back from prision
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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