the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Sober January is a disaster.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
