whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
