Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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