The maid of honor just puked.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Randomize
