You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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