I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
