Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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