just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
