i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize