Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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