Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
