If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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