i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
