How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
