I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
