one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
