you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
