I'm sorry my penis didn't work
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
