hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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