i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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