I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
