I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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