We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my shit smells like andre
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
