spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize