He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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