why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
