I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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