I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
