I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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