They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Randomize
