there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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