then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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