I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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