Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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