I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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