I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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