There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
