On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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