i don't like sucking hair
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
