today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
