Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
