i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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