My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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