Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
