i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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