im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
