and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
